The Hard Truths Nobody Tells You When Becoming a Stepmom.

Stepmoms can make or break a child's life.
Stepmoms have more influence than they realize.
Stepmoms can bring a broken family back together.

So before you take the plunge into Step-Motherhood, ask yourself these questions. Be prepared, though, because if you answer “no” to any of them, you probably aren’t ready to be a productive Stepmom:

1. Do I WANT a good, healthy relationship with my stepchild?
2. Am I willing to set my pride aside for the sake of my stepchild’s mental health, happiness, and overall well-being?
3. Am I confident and mature enough to let the negative impacts of a blended family roll off my back?
4. Do I understand that the child is the most important part of this equation?
5. Am I prepared for the biological mother to basically become apart of my family?
   

Let’s break it all down…

#1: Do I WANT a healthy relationship with my stepchild?

If you don’t actually want a healthy relationship with them, that probably means you aren’t planning to put much effort in, right? If that’s the case, then what are you doing in that relationship?

When you commit to a man that has a child, or multiple children, you are choosing the children, too. It’s a choice. That’s why I’ve never understood why some stepmoms act like their husbands just sprung some feral child on them out of nowhere. The child was there first and you shouldn’t be indifferent to their existence.

Encouraging a healthy relationship with your stepchild is crucial for a happy home. Healthy doesn’t have to mean “best friends”. It does mean, however, that the adult (you) needs to lead the way despite your stepchild’s initial attitude. Majority of the time, it won’t all come together on the first day. It takes time to earn trust, find common ground, and build a relationship. Some children respond quickly to changes, some children push as hard as they can to see how long you’ll stay. You can keep a respectful distance and still show that you’re willing when they’re ready. Down the road, if your efforts don’t pay off, then you’ll know you tried. Your stepchild will, too. Even if they don’t show it. It’s better to be annoyed by a stepparent trying than hurt by them ignoring your existence.

Examples of ways you can help your relationship with your stepchild:

1. Make sure your demeanor is inviting and caring when they come home and allow them to adjust. Two different houses means different rules, different expectations, different personalities, and different routines. It’s a lot to keep up with and children need a little extra help and patience getting through that.
2. Ask them questions about how their day has been, how mom’s house was, etc. Be engaged and interested in what they have going on outside of your house.
3. Remember that you are the adult in this scenario. If you never had a stepparent, maybe try to imagine what that would be like. Honestly, I’d hate it so I can only imagine how scared and rude I would’ve been as a kid.

The hard truth is that if you want a happy future with your partner, you should also want a healthy relationship with your stepchild

#2: Am I willing to set my pride aside for the sake of my stepchild’s mental health, happiness, and overall well-being?

Pride… Yeahhhhh you have to throw a lot of that out the window. I don’t mean allow yourself to be walked all over or humiliated, but you won’t always “win” or look top notch in every situation and that’s okay. Not only are you a new person to the child’s life, but you’re new to the bio-mom’s life, too. Even if you two don’t talk through decisions together, she knows you’re influencing the decision-making and that can be threatening.

“Well she said blah blah blah and I’ll tell you one thing, NOBODY talks to me li-” Does that sound like you? If so, take a breath. Many different thoughts could be racing through bio-mom’s head: maybe she is still sad about the breakup of her family, maybe she’s scared you’re going to make things difficult, maybe she’s scared her kid is going to like you better than her, or maybe she is completely miserable and wants her ex to be as well. Whatever the reason may be, show a little grace, babe. Obviously I’m not talking about a scenario where she is threatening your life or screaming in your face. I’m talking about when you put a smile on, do your best to be friendly, but she doesn’t reciprocate. Don’t call her a bitch. Don’t start trash talking her to your husband. Just don’t.

Being prideful isn’t something to be proud of

Not only does your stepchild have to adjust to someone they didn’t ask for, but the bio-mom does, too. There’s a good chance that she is trying her best and you coming along makes her nervous. On the other hand, maybe she’s a total mess and isn’t responsible… so you coming along makes her nervous.
Regardless, there’s a great opportunity for you to be a productive asset if your pride doesn’t get in the way.
Puffing out your chest is unnecessary; they already know you “won” with dad. Take a step back, learn the routines, and see where you can be helpful.

The hard truth is that you should want to earn the respect and trust of your stepchild and their mom… you can’t get that if your pride means more to you than reaching that goal.

#3: Am I confident and mature enough to let the negative impacts of a blended family roll off my back?

So, we’ve talked about pride… how about confidence and maturity? You need confidence to keep yourself from breaking or doubting yourself when someone is rude. You need maturity to realize there’s more to their behavior beyond their thoughts of you as a person.

Additionally, you need to have confidence in your relationship. There will be moments where you feel jealous and that’s okay. However, you need to be mature enough to talk yourself out of reacting negatively to that jealousy. It’s okay if that part takes more work. It can be an overwhelming feeling the first few times you’re made to feel uninvolved when they’re discussing their child. Just take a deep breath and remember that this will all take time. Just focus on keeping the confidence you have in yourself and your relationship.

Maturity is essential for this role

If your maturity level isn’t ready to instantly become a parent, then back out now. Notice I am saying “maturity” and not “love”. It’s fine if you don’t hit it off instantly with your stepchild, but you do need to consider how much you’re willing to do and give up to make this all work.

Assuming your husband takes his role seriously, your evenings will look a lot differently than they used to. You will no longer be the center of attention; at least not on the days the child is home. Your partner may ask for your help with packing lunches, making dinner, etc. Spontaneous dates or trips have to be planned now and in a very particular way. Hell, you might even have a curfew on school nights again so that you don’t wake the kids. Whatever the “rules” are, the vibe will be much different than when you dated childless people.

Additionally, there’s a very good chance you’re going to have some very unpleasant encounters with the child and/or mom. If you can’t handle the hazing period, you won’t make it. I’m not saying that any of this is fair because in a lot of ways, it isn’t… but remember, it isn’t necessarily fair for them either. It’s important not to engage in an argument with bio-mom and don’t give up the first time something goes poorly. Imagine how you’d act in their shoes. Remember that they are only humans, too, and your existence feels threatening. Show them you’re ready to be apart of the team and that you’re mature enough to know an adjustment period is necessary.

The hard truth is you are going to have negative experiences as you settle into your role and you need to have tough skin if you’re going to make it.

#4: Do I understand that the child is the most important part of this equation?

The. Most. Important. Part. Hands down. That can be a hard reality to accept at first, but it must be accepted nonetheless.

Your stepchild is more important than if you’re upset at them or their mom. Don’t ever forget that you knew a child was involved before you signed any dotted lines. You moved your way into their childhood and now directly affect their life and future. Sure, you didn’t birth the kid, but they’ll learn about love, respect, patience, etc. from you just as much as they do their bio-parents. Don’t make them live with someone they feel hates them. Instead, show them that they’re worthy of love from someone who isn’t a blood relative. Show them that even though you’re new, you’re not here to replace or take anyone away. Show them that good people still exist.

Something that I always reminded myself of was if Roby hates me, he won’t want to be around me… which means he won’t want to come home to dad’s. I couldn’t live with myself if I was the reason that Roby and Rob’s relationship struggled. That was motivating all on its own.

It’s damaging to your relationship with your partner, and to your role, if you refuse to acknowledge your new reality. It is damaging to perpetually put your petty feelings above the “big picture” which is: You can either make or break this kid. If you don’t think you have that type of power, you’re wrong. Not only are you in the position to influence their dad’s choices, you also influence his perception of his own child. If you allow something rude that bio-mom said to determine how you perceive your stepchild, you’re setting them up for failure. Trust me, it can be hard remaining neutral when your stepchild is bragging on their mom 10 minutes after she just caused you to scream into your pillow. Try anyway. You won’t regret putting their feelings before you own.

Help them thrive and overcome the obstacles of being in a split home. Build them up, be on their team, and watch how full your life becomes; even through the stressful times.

The hard truth is the child did not ask for this life, but you did; the days of “you” being all you have to think about are over.

#5: Am I prepared for the biological mother to basically become apart of my family?

I don’t care what your situation is, this is the reality. That doesn’t have to mean the type of family where you’re inviting her over for dinner. I mean that this woman will impact every decision you make for the rest of your life.

We have 50/50, and even more during school-time, so the impact might be more on me than if you guys are stuck with only weekends. However, if you’re reading articles about being a stepmom, I think it is safe to assume the impact is high.

Making plans? Make sure they are only on “your days”. Decide to go for drinks after your meeting? Better not be when you agreed to be at the house for drop-off. Want to plan a vacation, but it’ll only work if bio-mom agrees to adjust “her days”? May or may not happen now.

You must remember it’s HER life too. It’s HER CHILD, too. So yeah, she cares and will have an opinion… and trust me, it’s shocking what random choices you want to make that affect her.

Be prepared that at any recital, game, practice, student/teacher conferences, graduations, etc., there’s very big chance she’ll be there; extended family, too. Now, obviously you guys can sit separately and there’s nothing wrong with that. However, it is a good feeling when your stepchild doesn’t have to sweat over which family he runs to first. Not EVERYTHING has to be separate and you have the influence to bridge that gap.

The point being, bio-mom is your stepchild’s mother. Bio-mom is your partner’s ex and they had a child together and there’s nothing you can do to change that. She isn’t going anywhere and she shouldn’t have to miss out on anything either. Your really fun vacation plans aren’t her priority and they don’t have to be. Why should she, without hesitation, consider your plans over her own? Would you do that for her? Accepting her without hostility is key if you want a decent relationship with her (you do, trust me).

The hard truth is as long as the child is 17 years old or younger, you will rarely make a decision that doesn’t affect this woman; be prepared to involve her in your plans.

So what do I do with this information?

You decide if you think you can handle it all. Every situation is a little different so your efforts might not even stand a chance. Are you okay with that? Can you handle the amount of patience, maturity, and selflessness it’ll take?

If you’re willing to try by reading articles and reflecting on your own behaviors, then I’ll think you’ll nail it.

You will NEVER do everything perfect. You will say the wrong thing, make the wrong call, and have moments where you wonder if you want to stay. All of those things are normal (even for bio-parents, honestly). Parenting is HARD no matter what the situation is so don’t hold yourself to an unreachable standard.

Just be sure to remember you stepped into a fragile home and you can either break it or you can help build it up to be stronger than ever.

You’ve got this.