I finally understand it. I never thought I would be in the position to understand, but I do now. The passive reaction you get when you tell people you’re a stay at home mom. The way people look at you like “Oh, you’re a stay at home mom? Hmm..so you do nothing? okay, got it”.
When in reality, I have one of the hardest jobs there is.

No breaks. No pay. Unmeasurable amounts of pressure to run a smooth house with a smile on your face (you can’t complain because then you don’t appreciate this “precious time” you’ve been given).
Guilt when you wish you could be anywhere else but at home.
Guilt when your mom friends talk about how much they miss their kids when you’re itching to have time without yours.
Guilt when you do get to leave, and your kids are crying and begging you to stay, you don’t feel guilty at all.
Embarrassment when you do finally socialize and all you can do is talk about your kids.
Embarrassment when you can’t contribute to “normal” conversations because you either don’t know what’s being talked about or you just can’t relate to working people anymore.
Isolation when you realize the only adult you’ve conversed with for days or weeks at a time is your partner. So when you do finally socialize, you forgot how.
Isolation when you and your partner have nothing to really talk about unless it’s about the kids (which they get bored of quick)… so you don’t talk at all.
Isolation when you have your friends over and you’re defaulted to taking care of all the kids while they all talk about their work accomplishments and goals.
Isolation when you default yourself to the kids table because it’s where you feel the most comfortable.
The list could go on and on.

It’s easy to lose yourself in it all.

Before I stepped back from working as a hair stylist, I used to be incredibly social and outgoing. I had this bright, badass yellow hair that fit perfectly with my all black/90s style. Young girls would come sit in my chair and comment on how cool they thought I was and some seemed to hang on every word I said. I was seen, heard, and at times, even admired. Sure, the admiration came from young teenage girls, but who cares? They’re the harshest critics, right?
Additionally, being a hair stylist at a very modern, trendy salon meant that there was never a dull moment: channeling my creative side, client drama, gossiping about celebrities in the color room, laughing my ass off with my best friends who I was lucky enough to call coworkers too. I had a career that I loved and was proud of. I was fucking cool.

But then that version of me slowly slipped away. It was a gradual decline into feeling inadequate and invisible, but when it happened, it really happened.

After about 4 months of my stay at home mom life, I didn’t even recognize myself. To be honest, I was in a very dark place for quite awhile. I can’t say that being at home was the sole reason for me being in that dark place, but also, I wouldn’t have had the ability to get that low/had the outside forces that contributed to my decline affect me as much if I worked. So it all came full circle and landed back on “I feel this way because I am home everyday”. The worst part is how easy it was for me to mask it around most people… or eventually, just not be around anyone else at all.

Find Your Village

My best friends, Chloe and Ali, could not be fooled and were very worried about me. Especially Chloe. She and I see each other very regularly so she noticed when I stopped smiling and my eyes lost their light. She is the one who essentially made me put Imogen in daycare two days a week so that I could save my mental health. It’s not really something we could effortlessly afford considering I quit my job, but luckily I didn’t have to do much to convince Rob.
Ali checked in every single day (literally every day) and would talk me through anything I was struggling with. If I needed help, she’d move her own schedule around if needed.
They both listened to me sob regularly.
They both watched me fall apart despite their greatest efforts.
They both beautifully navigated being present for this completely different person I had become.
Most importantly, they both never gave up on me.
They became my lifeline and encouraged me to keep going. I wouldn’t be in this spot today if it weren’t for those two. They showed me the importance of having women. Women you love and trust.
Women who become your village.
I encourage you all to find your village.

And through it all, I don’t regret my decision to become a stay at home mom. Honestly, I can’t regret it because it has transformed me into a stronger, more confident version of myself. It just beat me down to get me there… and that sucked. But it was worth it.

When you are at home every day with little humans that mirror you, you’re forced to face the truth about yourself. Your insecurities, your selfish traits, your unreasonable expectations, your dramatic reactions, and basically your ugly behavior in general.
You start to get to know yourself in a deeper way, too.
What triggers you, the childhood experiences/traumas that have formed you, and what you do or don’t like about yourself.
I am fascinated by the human brain and why we do or don’t do certain things; I know that there’s not a single behavior that comes out of nowhere. Because of that, I’ve read hundreds of articles on raising children so that I can figure out the “why?” and address it as quickly as possible. So when I noticed negative changes in my children, I knew it wasn’t random. I knew that they were reacting to my poor behavior so I really had nobody to blame but myself. No matter who else played a part in my poor mental health, I was the one who held the most responsibility. I was the one who was home with our kids every single day.

I HAD to get my shit together.

So… what now?

I essentially started over mentally. What I thought I was or what I thought I needed was thrown out the window. I confronted some toxic behaviors that I had been holding onto (I still fight with them from time to time), I learned to set boundaries, and to stand up for myself. I started saying “no” when I knew I couldn’t handle what was being requested of me.
It resulted in many things, but the biggest being that I ended a friendship that I thought would last me a lifetime. It wasn’t easy, but the more respect I showed myself, the easier it was for me to keep moving everyday.
It’s all still a work in progress and I know I will never be done growing. I’ll never have this perfected and I’ll always have moments or days that I’m not proud of. I’ll still yell and be irrational towards my kids and have to apologize. I’ll still forget to shop for the special colored shirt my son needs for a class party even though the teacher reminded me 3 different times. I’ll still be human. But at least now I can be proud of how much work I’ve put into improving myself and how much work I put into trying to meet my kids where they are at.

Because through it all, I’m proud of me. I’m proud of my husband. I’m proud of our amazing children. I’m proud of the home we’ve created.
I’m proud of our mid life.

So no, I don’t do “nothing”. I do, and gave, everything.

Hey Mamma, you’re doing a great job

Moms, no matter where you are in your journey- working mom, work from home mom, stay at home mom, stepmom, foster mom, etc.- just know that if you’re stressed out and questioning yourself daily, that probably means you’re doing a great job.
It’s easy to hand-wave bad behavior.
It’s easy to just give them what they want so they’ll be quiet.
It’s easy to hire babysitters to raise them while you go do whatever you want.
It’s easy to blame everyone and everything else and not face yourself in the mirror.
It’s easy to stay exactly how you are and not strive to become a better, healthier, and a more present version of yourself.
It’s HARD to raise them right.
It’s HARD to correct behaviors that feel like they’ll never end.
It’s HARD to push them to be better and achieve more when they’d rather sit on their ass.
It’s HARD to tell them “no” and stick to it despite the tantrums.
It’s HARD to realize that maybe the way your parents did it wasn’t always the best way. That maybe your kids need more from you than what your current self can offer.
It’s HARD to admit when you’re wrong and decide to make some positive changes for the betterment of your home.

Moms, our job is the hardest one there is, but if we stick together and create a safe village to learn, vent, laugh, and grow together, then we won’t feel so guilty or alone. That is what I want this blog to be for myself and all of you.

Who else has had a similar experience?